Five Years

It's been five years since Burke was born. Five years of this little space in our family, a pause. Our lives right now are a whirlwind, spinning us from day to day without much time for the details (let alone blogging opportunities). It's all we can do to get showered, keep everyone in clean clothes and make it to our destinations on time. This morning as I was rounding up the kids, distracted by this aching pause, Bennett asked me why I was sad. I told him I missed his big brother and we took a couple minutes to talk about Burke.

At the end of our small chat, he told me: "Well, don't be sad, mom. We will all love Burke, even when we are big. 'Cause he is part of our family."

And so he is. And so we will.

one in four

One in four. Each of us has a unique set of circumstances, but the grief and ache is uncomfortably familiar. Love to all my fellow lostbabymamas and lostbabypapas out there on this day. There's a candle on our mantle for you.

September 11th

I remember I was at work, getting ready to open the bookstore and to train a new employee at the register. Our maintenance guy knocked on the side door, and told us there had just been a big accident in New York: a plane had flown into a building.

The first customer, a guy picking up a book he had on hold, was visibly shaken, and told us all flights were grounded, that there had been another accident in Washington DC. We tried tuning in the radio, couldn't quite get reception, then decided to turn on the tv. I tried calling my dad, who traveled to DC regularly, and couldn't get through.

I can't quite remember if we saw the towers fall live, or if it was a replay, but the gut-wrenching feeling is unforgettable. The dust-covered survivors, paper and ash in the air...

Later on I got in touch with my dad, he wasn't sure if any of his colleagues or friends that were stationed at the Pentagon were affected. Short sentences. Stunned silences. Reminders to get gas in case the stations were to shut down.

Where were you? What do you remember about that Lonesome Day?

scraptastic

Today was a much better day. Bennett and I spent it making muffins, hanging with friends, a Dr checkup (all is well with the baby, PERFECT time for that reassurance), and a lovely asparagus frittata with a strawberries/cream/angel food cake chaser.

In all that fun goodness I forgot to take better photos of the works in progress that I blasted through yesterday, so I guess I'll just post the mediocre ones now.


The first is some of those scraps I have been compulsively trimming down for a while, paired with Kona Ash. I'm trying to decide what to do with it. I started it thinking I would use it to make one of Anna Maria Horner's patchwork sleep sack, but I'm not so sure now. Part of me wants to finish it as a quilt, sell it, then donate part or all of the proceeds (Red Cross for Japan relief came to mind, especially as 2/3 of the prints are Japanese). Grief work provides comfort, but the association looking back becomes a weight once the project is finished, when the "work" is through. Maybe I should donate it to Cherry House's project? Anyone got other ideas?


The next is Bennett's tool quilt, intended to be a quick and sturdy lap/toddler quilt for him to drag around his "workshop." The sashing is a bright blue Kona, the back will be pieced in the remnants of the fabrics as well as navy and the bright blue. I have some ideas for the quilting...

Next is to finish the Brown Bear quilt for the new baby, three quilts for three babes.
Not too bad for a day of sewing.

Burke

Four years ago today, Burke slipped into this world, but unexpectedly, had already slipped out again. We didn't know this at first. It took several days of seeing him in the NICU unit, attached to tubes and sensors (along with a battery of tests) to determine that he was gone. Unresponsive. Brain Dead.

The emotional din and crash today could only be managed by putting two pieces of fabric together and applying my foot to the sewing machine pedal.

I had Finding Nemo stuck in my head: just keep sewing, just keep sewing, just keep sewing...

I pulled out unfinished quilts today, thinking about the upcoming International Quilt Festival here in town this weekend and have decided to use this time to get a couple of these projects closer to completion. Grief, though not a good motivator for things like laundry or dusting, stirs in me the old need to DO, to CREATE, to try and make something you can touch, something useful to provide some comfort.

More soon, with photos...