Spongebob

Who knew that ten minutes of Spongebob would allow me the distraction I needed to trim nails? I managed to get 7 fingers and 2 toes trimmed before the plot was discovered.

Then the don't-won't-wanna-wiggle party began.

New Teether

...and he's pushing up (and almost off!) to reach for things he wants!

Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I look back at where I was last year about this time and the same ache and sense of loss is still as bright and sharp as it was. And the same drive to create. It seems I turn more towards crafting stuff the more I get flummoxed by this peculiar state of being two mothers. One that joyfully welcomes each day I get to share with Bennett, the other that rages and screams at the loss of my first son.

Returning to work was easy. I returned to something familiar. The same routines, the same folks, the same brands of issues. It's this motherhood job that's got me.



Our little family gathered together at 7pm tonight and lit candles, one for Burke, one for another lostbabymama whose pain and agony is fresh and raw. I've been angry these last few days. As much as I tell myself how pointless it is, this seething horror keeps bubbling to the surface.

We were with Burke at the end. They had taken all the tubes and wires out, turned off all the machines, and the three of us laid in the twin hospital bed in our little room with the blanket taped over the little window. For privacy. We held him, talked to him, loved him... my milk had come in and I remember my breasts aching and burning. Milk that wouldn't nourish it's intended.

How can I carry these memories side by side with the ones of Bennett's greedy 4am nuzzles? How can the memories of Burke live right next to the ones of Bennett's fierce vibrancy? How do other lostbabymamas do it? I don't talk of Burke much anymore, and I'm realizing that it's more out of social expectation than healing. I think people expect me to have moved on after Bennett, so I just don't mention Burke as often. Yet for me Burke's memory is as alive as it was the moment he was born, that five minutes before I knew something was horribly wrong.

So here I am, ready to pounce on new fabric, ideas spinning wildly in my head for new bibs, new shoes... outfits for Bennett. All the while I whisper to Burke.


So happy (or not) Remembrance Day. And to all the lostbabymamas I'm thinking about (you know who you are): congratulations on making it through each day.

growing!

Bennett had his four month check up today... 19.9 lbs, over 3 inches of growth in length, and another inch 'round the nugget. This makes him in the 95th percentile for weight and nugget-size, 99th for height!!!

Feet

I can't believe this kiddo is attempting to sit up on his own!

He wobbles and topples, but is ready to try again. And again. And again.

He has also discovered he has two feet. And they are mysteriously attached to him.
This must be investigated thoroughly.

PS: Thanks Katie and Aunt Mary for the spooky gear!

Once more with feeling

...you get to see Bennett choke on spit.

Miles

A couple of weeks ago, our older dog Miles came in with a limp after running around outside with Penny. We put him on bedrest (no stairs) and waited a couple of days to see if it was just a strain, etc. After all, at 12 years old, he's not a spring chicken, though this fact never seemed to phase him. He still played like a 6 year old. When it didn't get better over the course of a couple of days B took him in to see the vet. The vet on duty (not our regular doc) took an x-ray, didn't see any damage like a break or tear in the cartilage, and sent Miles back home with some remadil and instructions for further rest. Last week B took him back. He was still favoring the leg, and instead of getting better he was not putting any weight on it at all. We saw our regular vet who did a couple new x-rays further up into his shoulder. He found cancer in the bones of his shoulder and confirmed Miles was in a lot of pain.

We got a second opinion last week with the same conclusion: at best, with aggressive treatment (including amputating the leg and radiation therapy) we were only looking at a few good months.

We made the decision to put Miles down. Saturday night he had cheeseburgers for dinner and lots of snuggles. Yesterday morning after I put Bennett down for his morning nap we helped Miles into the car and I took him to our vet. I stayed with him until the end. As I drove home I thought about the day we adopted Miles, and all the good times we shared. We had six good years with him.

Thank you for being a part of our family. We love you. We miss you.

4 months

Dear Bennett,

You are four months old today. It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm finally able to sneak away and write. Oh, and throw your diapers in the dryer. Since I started back to work you've been capitalizing on the Mamma-time at night to make up for not spending our days together. That's fine with me because I miss you all day, too. Getting started with the sitter was pretty rough, mostly because you want nothing to do with a bottle. And there was that jealous 18-month old that bit you on the nose. Not a good start.

We have figured that you are just no fan of plastic in your mouth, and I can't say I blame you. You don't even like rubber teethers. Luckily Poppy and you are figuring out about cup feeding, so we are just moving on from there. It's messy, but at least you are eating for your sitter and Poppy when I'm not around.

You are still learning about those hands of yours, and are now sucking on your fingers whenever you get the chance. And chewing on other people's fingers when they get close enough. I can see a little white sliver of tooth under the skin, so I know you'll be cutting it in the next couple of weeks.
You have started laughing this past month too. Mostly at us and our imbacilic provokings. You have also discovered that your voice has pitch, so your sounds, your ghh-yays, and nhoooms, now peak at deafeningly girlish squeals.You still seem like a pretty serious kid, hyper alert and "drinking" in everything you see and hear all day long, but there's an element of you that seems to be relaxing and enjoying things. You are happy to just hang out and play when we are out and about. Halloween is coming up and we're getting pretty excited by the prospects of dressing you up and showing you off on our front porch this year. I haven't measured you in a long time, but looking at how much bigger you are than your monkey (you now only fit in 6-9 or even 12 month clothes!!!) I know you'll be needing a bigger costume than I would have ever imagined.

As we approach the holiday season I can't help but think about your brother, especially when it's all quiet in the house and I have a few moments to myself. It's as if there's a ghost that I catch out of the corner of my eye, but in my mind. I ache thinking that you will never know him. It's still difficult to know how to respond to folks when we are out together and they ask if you are my first. I want to tell them about Burke, about the weight of loss I carry with me, to share my story and his. Sometimes it hurts so much knowing he is gone from our family. Instead, when people ask me that seemingly innocuous question (not knowing that for some lostbabymamas the question is like lava to our ears) I just answer "yes," and move on. A little denial that hurts, yet protects. The rest of the day is filled with a silent "I'msorry,I'msorry,I'msorry..." in my heart. I can't deny them from admiring you, though. You are one cute little guy. I just remember to NEVER ask a mamma that question.

Well, it's just after 3am, so I should get myself to bed. You'll be up sooner than I think, ready to look and learn and laugh your way through another day...

I love you "this" much, Bennett.

Yours,

Mamma.