Birthdaze

Well, I'm another year older, and trying to take a moment while Bennett naps to post... things have been outrageously hectic, and my days feel like they are compressed into stolen moments and two-birds-with-one-stone missions... scrub the shower walls while shampooing, catch up on e-mails while nursing...

I got an AMAZING new camera for my birthday, so hopefully the quality of photos will improve.

We are now facing spring, which used to be my absolute favorite time of year, but since Burke's arrival and departure are marked with sadness and a dull ache of loss. The bulbs I planted in his garden are blooming in full force now, the crocus are finishing off their early blooms, the daffodils are out, and the hyacinths and tulips are about to follow. Burke would be turning two in a couple of weeks. I miss him desperately at the oddest moments: while nursing the other day, I began to wonder if Burke's hair would have the same curl on the sides as Bennett's does, and I began to cry.

This delicate balance of mothering and mourning is still an ever-evolving state of being, I'm learning. I am determined to be more gentle this year. Mourn and celebrate April 5th properly, with cake and song and tears and smiles... we will plant that tree we couldn't quite bring ourselves to to buy last year. I was heavy with Bennett, and distracted with the physical and mental weight of pregnancy. The house was in a state of construction we're still overcoming (come on, cabinet doors!!!), and it felt somehow like we would jynx Bennett if we took the time.

Well, off to use the rest of this nap to get a few more things done... and maybe stop by Burke's garden and pick a flower or two...We miss you, Burke.